Building Mastery

On Becoming One’s Own Master

I invite you to join me for a bit of self-reflection throughout this post, opening with some beloved words from someone I like to think of as a dear friend and teacher. The only adaptation I’ve made is to un-gender the pronouns originally used; for some reason, the author decided to only refer to painters as female! Just kidding.>:-|

“Chap. CCCLXIII.—A Precept for the Painter.

The painter who entertains no doubt of their own ability, will attain very little. When the work succeeds beyond the judgment, the artist acquires nothing; but when the judgment is superior to the work, they never ceases improving, if the love of gain do not retard their progress.

Chap. CCCLXIV.—On the Judgment of Painters.

When the work is equal to the knowledge and judgment of the painter, it is a bad sign; and when it surpasses the judgment, it is still worse, as is the case with those who wonder at having succeeded so well. But when the judgment surpasses the work, it is a perfectly good sign; and the young painter who possesses that rare disposition, will, no doubt, arrive at great perfection. They will produce few works, but they will be such as to fix the admiration of every beholder.

One painter ought never to imitate the manner of any other; because in that case they cannot be called the child of Nature, but the grandchild. It is always best to have recourse to Nature, which is replete with such abundance of objects, than to the productions of other masters, who learnt every thing from her.

Chap. CCCLV.—How to judge of one’s own Work.

It is an acknowledged fact, that we perceive errors in the works of others more readily than in our own. A painter, therefore, ought to be well instructed in perspective, and acquire a perfect knowledge of the dimensions of the human body; they should also be a good architect, at least as far as concerns the outward shape of buildings, with their different parts; and where they is deficient, they ought not to neglect taking drawings from Nature.

It will be well also to have a looking-glass by them, when they paints, to look often at their work in it, which being seen the contrary way, will appear as the work of another hand, and will better shew their faults. It will be useful also to quit their work often, and take some relaxation, that their judgment may be clearer at their return; for too great application and sitting still is sometimes the cause of many gross errors.

Chap. CCCLVI.—Of correcting Errors which you discover.

Remember, that when, by the exercise of your own judgment, or the observation of others, you discover any errors in your work, you immediately set about correcting them, lest, in exposing your works to the public, you expose your defects also. Admit not any self-excuse, by persuading yourself that you shall retrieve your character, and that by some succeeding work you shall make amends for your shameful negligence; for your work does not perish as soon as it is out of your hands, like the sound of music, but remains a standing monument of your ignorance. If you excuse yourself by saying that you have not time for the study necessary to form a great painter, having to struggle against necessity, you yourself are only to blame; for the study of what is excellent is food both for mind and body.”

Those are the words of Leonardo (da Vinci), from A Treatise on Painting. My feeling of kinship with self-directed and multifaceted thinkers such as Mary Somerville and Leonardo is a subject I haven’t really discussed with anyone. At the end of the day, I am just a humble person. I need to earn money, eat, do laundry, pay my bills, clean the grease off my bike, and all the other homely tasks of living. But my inner experience and some outward evidence tells me that I have a certain intellectual and artistic spark, and that by dedicated and rigorous application of myself, I can create work of lasting beauty and value: as a thinker, an engineer, and an artist of various kinds. This pursuit of excellence of mind, which to me includes the body, is perhaps the greatest source of meaning and joy in my life.

I have had the blessing of some truly remarkable teachers. For the first twenty-six years of my life, nearly all of my activities were structured around the teacher-student/apprentice dynamic. Now, as an adult, I’ve felt a sense of loneliness as I’ve become a self-sufficient professional. As I ponder how I can continue to explore and deepen in the next year, one of the powerful ideas that stands out to me is to assume utmost responsibility for being my own teacher and master. To the extent that great teachers are available, avail oneself! But waiting for a great teacher in order to become excellent is a misuse of time.

From my first-person perspective on my life, it is all practice. A key nuance is that it’s not necessarily practice for anything in particular. It’s practice so as to be better at living—one breath, one feeling, one thought, one action at a time. A life can be extremely far-reaching in its consequences, but the core of a life is in this intimate space of physical existence. There are no far-reaching consequences without it. I believe that when we take the utmost care of this space, it can fundamentally transform our experience and presence in the world.

A challenge for me that is simultaneous with holding myself responsible for being my own master is to hold others responsible for their own internal mastery. One of the insights that I’ve had into myself in the past year is that I am highly empathic. This has been both a strength and vulnerability, because I have suffered greatly and fruitlessly because of various unhappy people who have been in my life, even since early childhood. It is exceptionally hard for me to let go of feeling responsible for others’ feelings and happiness. This has exposed me to being used as an emotional doormat. And since happiness is an inside job and can’t be created externally, I’ve put myself into futile situations of trying to fix someone else’s unhappiness or lack of motivation, which is a disempowering, draining, and depression-inducing situation to be in. I have often been afraid of expecting self-mastery from others because the weight of the disappointment I have lived with in the past seems too much to go through again.

Another challenge is grappling with the question of what it means to be my own master without also being my own slave. I’ve struggled so very much with being uncompromising with myself but also being kind. I have treated myself far, far worse than anyone else in my life—even those who have left emotional scar tissue. And asking for help or advice continues to often be outside of even the realm of consideration, because I have a deep-seated, though incorrect, belief that asking for help confirms one of my other deepest beliefs: that fundamentally I have no value outside of my abilities and performance. To ask for help is then to remind myself of this belief and bolster it.

As sad as those beliefs are, I’m hopeful in knowing that they’re there and that I can work to replace them with more loving attitudes about myself. Sometimes before I sit down to practice my crafts, I imagine that Mary Somerville or Leonardo is sitting across from me with a knowing gaze—knowing that I have some deeply unhelpful habits of mind, but that there’s still something inside me worth bringing into the world, and that I can rest in the pursuit of that task. I meet their gaze, smile wryly, and get to work. And then I’m at peace.